Ask the Sexpert

Q.  I need some advice.  I had a radiation treatment last month and haven’t been feeling well, but I still have to satisfy my other half. I lost my sex drive completely. I don’t care for it. I don’t want to talk about it and I sure don’t want to do it, but I have too.  Any suggestions?  Can I take something to bring it back?

(I’m assuming you have been physically cleared by your doctor to resume sex)

A.  Sex is equal parts physical and mental.  It sounds like your physical disinterest has affected your mental desire.  I’m assuming you don’t want to let your mate wait it out while your desire comes back- which is probably a good idea.  It’s also selfless on your part, so your mate is going to have to offer you a bit of selflessness on his end also.

1.  Zero desire= Zero natural lubrication  If your body does not want to have sex, you will find it hard to self-lubricate.  Use a good water-based lubricant.  You will actually find yourself getting aroused once you get into the swing of things.  Think of the lube as a head start.  The great thing about water-based lube is that it feels natural, unlike some silicone and silicone hybrid lubricants.

2.  Let him enjoy the party.  Give him special attention.  If you simply aren’t up to the task of having vaginal sex, let him enjoy sex in any other way you can think of without letting him actually penetrate you.  Break out the lube for this too.  While performing oral sex on him, put lube all over him so things get extra slippery.  Try a hand held masturbator on him, either while performing oral sex or as the main event.  The main idea is to make it all about HIM.  This should take some of the focus off of your lack of desire.  You might find yourself aroused as you stimulate him.

3.  Try arousal enhancers.  Give your libido a kick start with arousal creams/gels like, Wet wOw, Tasty Twist, or System Jo Clitoral Gel .  Think of these as “cheat creams” to boost your libido.  Try one or all and take things slow.  Have your partner make sure to pay special attention to your needs.  Have him stimulate you to orgasm prior to penetrative sex, so any reservations you have mentally will be replaced with pleasure.

Don’t expect anything to be a quick fix, but attack your libido from a few different angles and hopefully your mental reservations will slowly dissipate as you physically prepare to resume sexual activity.  Most of all, communicate with your partner!

I hope this helps.

Ask the Sexpert

Q.  I have no sex drive. Is there something I can do?

A. Since you didn’t offer a possible reason, I will address a few common reasons for decrease in sex drive.  There are several things that could be the cause of our sex drive’s disappearance. Stress is a huge culprit. There is also sexual dissatisfaction. Last, I’ll address self-esteem.

Stress can zap your body of moisture needed to make sex pleasurable. It also causes people to observe a decrease in desire for sex. If you are overworked or just overwhelmed, it can be impossible to relax and enjoy sex. But, don’t give in to that. You MUST make time even in the busiest times. If you don’t, your decreased sex drive could result in emotional disconnect, which will strain a relationship.

If you are not experiencing pleasure during sex, it would stand to reason that your desire to have sex would be low. Why bother? My mate doesn’t do it right. This is a cause for communication. Find out why your sizzle has fizzled. Barring any cheating, find out why everyday has turned into once a month or your sex schedule.  Show your partner how to stimulate you.

Are you unhappy with weight gain or self-conscious about your naked body?  Your mate has seen your body before, so don’t worry about how you look.  You are supposed to be enjoying sex during sex, not worrying about jiggles and wiggles.  If you still feel uncomfortable, get back in the gym.  Exercise boosts your libido.


Note:  This was answered assuming the person who posed the question was a female.

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