Ask the Sexpert

Q.  I need some advice.  I had a radiation treatment last month and haven’t been feeling well, but I still have to satisfy my other half. I lost my sex drive completely. I don’t care for it. I don’t want to talk about it and I sure don’t want to do it, but I have too.  Any suggestions?  Can I take something to bring it back?

(I’m assuming you have been physically cleared by your doctor to resume sex)

A.  Sex is equal parts physical and mental.  It sounds like your physical disinterest has affected your mental desire.  I’m assuming you don’t want to let your mate wait it out while your desire comes back- which is probably a good idea.  It’s also selfless on your part, so your mate is going to have to offer you a bit of selflessness on his end also.

1.  Zero desire= Zero natural lubrication  If your body does not want to have sex, you will find it hard to self-lubricate.  Use a good water-based lubricant.  You will actually find yourself getting aroused once you get into the swing of things.  Think of the lube as a head start.  The great thing about water-based lube is that it feels natural, unlike some silicone and silicone hybrid lubricants.

2.  Let him enjoy the party.  Give him special attention.  If you simply aren’t up to the task of having vaginal sex, let him enjoy sex in any other way you can think of without letting him actually penetrate you.  Break out the lube for this too.  While performing oral sex on him, put lube all over him so things get extra slippery.  Try a hand held masturbator on him, either while performing oral sex or as the main event.  The main idea is to make it all about HIM.  This should take some of the focus off of your lack of desire.  You might find yourself aroused as you stimulate him.

3.  Try arousal enhancers.  Give your libido a kick start with arousal creams/gels like, Wet wOw, Tasty Twist, or System Jo Clitoral Gel .  Think of these as “cheat creams” to boost your libido.  Try one or all and take things slow.  Have your partner make sure to pay special attention to your needs.  Have him stimulate you to orgasm prior to penetrative sex, so any reservations you have mentally will be replaced with pleasure.

Don’t expect anything to be a quick fix, but attack your libido from a few different angles and hopefully your mental reservations will slowly dissipate as you physically prepare to resume sexual activity.  Most of all, communicate with your partner!

I hope this helps.